1. |
Diddums
02:51
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Diddums, little baby don't you cry
Diddums, you will never ever die
Diddums, least not before you're the king
Yeah Diddums turned out to be an awful man
Diddums turned out to be a malevolent man
Thin skin, and they say that snakes are evil
Thin skin, crocs and snakes in league with the devil
Thin skin, you're flaking away,
But reptilians don't care for wounded pride
They don't stab their phones to tweet a diatribe
Diddums, did nasty man say nasty thing?
Diddums, did hurtful man say truthful thing?
Diddums, I swear by your golden ring
The rotund high priest will sort your enemies out
And from his God thunder and lava spout
Frogface, wants to join in Diddums' gang
Frogface, pint of Pedigree in his hand
Frogface, with a decree I can't stand
That every high seat should bow to Diddums in fear
I'm sure you agree, MP for Leicestershire
Diddums, get a chip on your shoulder,
Diddums, it'll make you much bolder
Diddums, and then when you get older
But Diddums turned out to be an awful man
Yeah, Diddums turned out to be a terrible man
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2. |
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Michael Bolton went up to Donald Trump
With his mullet swinging
Opened up his cavernous diaphragm
And he started singing
Trump's toupée fell off
Flung about in the gale
Flimsy, flicking wisps couldn't get back on board
Faced with such impossible singing
Kenny G went up to Bolton, John
With his sax a blowing
Insipid notes on unpleasant frequencies
Began shitfarting and flowing
John's moustache fell off
Bristles of misery swam around
Dancing like gnats in front of amazed face
The power of the mullets was growing
Hasselhoff went up to Grim Wrong 'un
And he started crooning
Wrong un's flat top melted first and then
It began ballooning
Ten thousand feet high
The quiff hit the sky
Hasselhoff's deep and rich timbre
Blew the demigod into orbit
Curtis Stigers went up to Nig Farage
With his lungs a pumping
Sent him back in an eighties time machine
Heavy shoes a clumping
Nig's jowls fell off
Slurping and a slopping in the sea
The oozing entity could never be
Reunited with its cheekbones
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3. |
Bullingdon Groupie
03:13
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4. |
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I'm working in a bar
I left my old employer
Because they went too far
Less choice for the consumer
I love European beer
Especially if it's Belgian
I love craft beer too
But the hop is universal
I fear this bigotry
Is just the first rehearsal
Then a bloke I recognise
Struts up and orders a pint, I say,
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
No real ale, my hands don't move
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
Manners are not strong in you
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
The pump is still, the handle too,
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
Nigel, I'm not serving you
You're the type who turns his back
When you don't agree with someone
In a pompous, angry way
Well, I won't do that to anyone
I'll look you in the eye when I say
'Please find another pub.' I say,
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
No bière, my hands don't move
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
Manners are not strong in you
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
No real ale, my hands don't move
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
Nigel, I'm not serving you
I saw you on TV
Calling strangers lazy
Your face was flushed and raging
Your evidence a little hazy
My dad works in Bruxelles
He thinks you’re effing crazy
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
No bière, my hands don't move
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
Manners are not strong in you
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
The pump is still, the handle too
No real ale until you've learnt some manners
Nigel, I'm not serving you
Alright!
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5. |
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Michael's lips are bubbling as they melt away
Fat and grease and blubber come pouring out
A glistening layer of sputum gleams unheathily
Popping eyes that swivel on a veiny spout
I'm a fly on the wall, I'm having a bad trip
I asked a genie if I could fulfil a lifelong dream
And now I only scream
Stephen's strands are parting on his angry balding bonce
A thousand Goebbels roll out of his ears
His snarling half-smile pulls his chops above his gums
Then come snivelling drops of round, brown tears
I'm a fly on the wall, I'm in a bad place
I asked a genie if I could fulfil a lifelong dream
And now I only scream
Arron's sneery jowls pull wrinkles on his bulbous head
His chins coagulate like flattened bats
Then the malicious mess expands and gurgles like a stream
A clogged up stream of decomposing rats
I'm a fly on the wall, I'm on a bad trip
I asked a genie if I could fulfil a lifelong dream
And now I only scream
Jair's cackling teeth all chatter as they fill his face
Stalactites come drooping from his nose
As the jowls and cheeks fade into rotting yellowed stone
His mouldy fangs are swallowing my bones
I'm a fly on the wall, I'm in a bad way
I asked a genie if I could fulfil a lifelong dream
But now I only scream
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Richard Batchelor Chartres, France
I am the singer in the cult Liverpool indie punk band Ricky Spontane.
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